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Am feeling kinda worthless today. No, this isn't a post, fishing for compliments and needing positive affirmation from my friends and loved ones, though those are always nice. I just need to vent a bit.
I need a job. I need motivation. I need to get dressed and take a fucking shower. I need to get on some kind of track. I need, I need, I need. The fact that I can't even get my ass in gear to get up and go get cigarette's is infuriating. There is a basket full of laundry that I can't even bring myself to look at. I know I need to make something for dinner, but the simple thought of getting dressed and going to the store is making me sad. I have spent the last 2 hours online looking for jobs. I can't find anything. It is such a pretty day and I can't even bring myself to enjoy that. My task for today? Water the plants and clean up the back yard. Easy enough right? The whole process will take me all of 15 minutes, yet I can't wrap my brain around getting up and getting to it. The construction gig is so far out of reach that it is off my radar now. I have applied for 2 city jobs, but have not heard a peep. I know, I know, city jobs take forever, I know this, but it's just a bit slamming to my pride. I am about 2 steps to going back to Costco, something I vowed never to even think of, but fuck..I need something!!!! I want to work. This staying home thing has gotten ever so stale and I am done. I love my cats, but even they are looking at me like "why the fuck are you always here?". I know, enjoy the time off Erin. What the fuck do you have to complain about? There are people out there that are working their asses off, just scraping by and I am sitting here in a house that I own with a brand new car and time to do with whatever I please. Poor me right? Well, here is how I feel today. I don't own this house, Rick does. The new car? Rick's. The money that puts food on the table? Rick's. It comes from the blood and sweat that Rick pours into his job every day. He gives 200% of himself everyday, to keep us afloat and I can't even get it together to do his laundry right now. He has been so good during all of this. Of course, there are little jabs here and there, but he doesn't mean it. He is the foundation of all that is us and frankly, the guilt is starting to creep in. I need to feel like I am contributing. I will never make the money that he does, I know that, but I need to feel like I am helping out. Like I am bringing something to the party. I always used to joke that I would love to sit around and eat bon-bon's all day, lounging and watching day time TV would be the life for me. Well, the bon-bons are fucking fattening and have lost their flavor and day time TV sucks. I'm over it.
On the upside, I had a pretty great weekend. There was 3 hours of studying and working on a math project with the boys for my poop class, followed up with drinking and merriment. Easter was spent, just Rick and I, randomly driving around and enjoying each other's company. A late afternoon visit with Mel and Leland capped off a nice weekend and Rick and I spent Sunday night on the couch, eating popcorn and candy and watched a movie called Stardust. It was really a cute movie and I highly recommend it. There, had to end this depressing post somewhat happy : )